Sep
25
2009
TAGS: baby parenting ⋅ parenting ⋅ parenting choices ⋅ parenting support
Our daily actions as parents put into play the beliefs and values we pass on. Raising healthy, happy, and well-adjusted children is not a random draw. It is the result of choosing our way of interacting with our children.
For most of us, being less critical and more tolerant is a good place to start. Being accepting, encouraging, and child-friendly goes a long way toward healthy parenting.
An added benefit of taking the time to examine our own patterns is that it will also improve other relationships in our lives, with spouse, partner, teacher, and manager. The same principles work for bringing about loving, respectful, affirming, and empowering relationships with anyone.
The best way to make a contribution to a better world is to take the time to be a better parent. Most of the problems we see in society begin in the home. Being the best possible parent you can be is well worth the investment in self-examination, understanding your own patterns, and choosing to make changes to create healthy and respectful parenting.
Sep
12
2009
Becoming a parent is an intensely intimate and private event. At the same time, today it is possible to quickly become inundated with opinions, pressures, advice, and options that can be confusing and overwhelming. Retreating to the privacy of your own inner world can be a good starting point for sorting out what is best for you, your baby, and your family.
Because there are so many choices involved, ranging from where and how to give birth, whether to circumcise a baby boy, whether to breastfeed, immunizations, cloth diapers vs. disposable, and on and on, the more preparation time you have, the better you will fare. Talk to as many parents as you can, and ask the questions you’re really interested in – even though they may not be the ‘mainstream’ topics.
If you’re concerned about the effects being new parents will have on your relationship with your partner, ask couples you know who have been through this phase how they coped with it. It’s really worth it to do the research!
My own good fortune in having a midwife deliver all three of my children was almost ‘an accident’. I didn’t really know anything about midwives, and went for a routine check-up with my ob-gyn. His office had just hired a midwife, and I was told some of my pre-natal appointments would be with her. As soon as I met Janet, I knew I had a partner to support the kind of birth I wanted, and she went on to deliver all 3 of my babies! It was a joyful and family centered event each time, and I cherish the memories.
Don’t hesitate to dig around and do some research. There are many choices, from hospital birth to homebirth, birthing centers – no one choice is right for everyone. It’s well worth the investment of your time to talk with care providers, parents, and any resource that gives you insight into making your birth experience uniquely yours and comfortable.
Join me for a free tele-class “Parenting Your Baby: What We know For Sure” Sept 15 at 8 pm EST
Sep
2
2009
TAGS: parenting choices ⋅ parenting skills
For your baby and toddler, the optimum way to learn is through play. There are no flashcards, movies, or lessons that are needed. The most valuable source of learning at these early ages is interaction with YOU!
While this obviates an entire segment of what is currently marketed to parents, it is true that you and your baby have everything you need to engage in this activity. Your faces, your voices, your touch, and your attention and interest are truly the best props you could have.
Rather than ‘plugging’ your very young child into an electronic entertainment device, please consider that your time and focus are very well spent interacting with your baby. If you have other tasks you are wanting to accomplish, I’ve found that talking to your baby while you wash dishes, file papers, or do some other task that does not require your complete attention enables you to stay connected. Then you can re-connect fully for another session of play!
All of my anecdotal experience says it it completely worth it to find a way to be available and make the effort to connect. The first few years of your child’s life are crucial to development of lifelong patterns.
www.BabyParentingCoach.com
Aug
28
2009
TAGS: parenting choices ⋅ parenting power ⋅ parenting skills
Today as a parent you don’t get to choose your child’s career path, spouse, geographical location, political orientation, favorite charity, or any of a multitude of other discretionary choices of adulthood. So why does it matter so much how you parent? Because there are a whole array of traits and attributes you DO influence as a parent. These are worth identifying and focusing on, since they will provide mutual satisfaction and enrichment for you and your child, as well as the rest of society.
Rather than engage in power struggles over conflicting choices, it’s more effective to focus on modelling a life that reflects your true values. A child who observes, for instance, her parents volunteering in the midst of their busy lives receives an important message – it’s worth it to take time to give your time/services even when you are busy with your own life. There are intangible benefits from such action. Children absorb values quickly. Observing parent’s responses, behaviors, and attitudes is the primary source of a young child’s value system.
Lead by example, and never doubt that your choices affect your child in ways that will be reflected throughout her life. Who you choose to be is the greatest gift and influence you will have on your child’s development.
Aug
2
2009
By age 10 I had pretty much decided, for a variety of reasons, that I was never going to be a mom! It was as much because of tomboy tendencies, a strong desire to be independent, the desire to travel, and of course, the particular influences of my family of origin. I was REALLY comfortable with my decision, and lived my young adulthood with this clearly known to myself and my boyfriends. Marriage was a pretty low priority, also.
It worked well for me until I met my now ex-husband, and at age 33, we married and had my oldest, now 25! Literally from the moment of his birth (and maybe during pregnancy, also), I was on a mission to be the best mom I could possibly be. When I held Taylor at birth, I knew I was entering the most significant undertaking of my life. My joy and amazement at him as a baby launched me on a journey that inspired me to clean up some of my own residual issues. It also gave me the energy and motivation to seek out the best possible options, every step of the way.
Choosing not to circumcise him, breastfeeding him, reading to him, finding the right nursery school (which I loved so much I wanted to spend the day there myself!), encouraging his innate talent for art, and many other choices and decisions were made from an inspired place. So I, the ‘late to motherhood’, reluctant mom became a committed, dedicated, and absolutely passionate mom. Fortunately for me, I went on to have 2 more beautiful children, a daughter and son, and today all three are, quite definitely, the ‘crown jewels’ of my experience here on planet earth!
Although everyone’s parenting experience is unique, we also have a lot in common. Truly, it is an endeavor that offers growth, transformation, and enormous opportunity to be living your passion every day.
Aug
2
2009
‘Sustainable’ means carried out over time. In addition to spanning time, you have the option to make your parenting successful, fulfilling, and effective.
In order to parent well over time (and we all know that parenting doesn’t end when they leave for college), your best strategy is to learn and understand your own strategy. Then you have a base from which to be flexible, and that flexibility, combined with self-knowledge, will serve you well. It will enable you to seek out and use varying resources over the years.
Taking control of your own emotions provides a pathway to success in parenting. By control, I do not mean suppressing or repressing emotions. Control means understanding, coupled with effective resources for experiencing your own emotions when it is healthy and productive. For many adults today, this is not an easy task. We are all pretty much trained to seek self-gratification, and seek it soon. Parenthood will derail that usually for a while, but many parents become absorbed in having their child be a status symbol, a possession, an extension of themselves. These are all recipes for failure as a parent. Unless you can set aside your own agenda on a consistent basis, your parenting will suffer.
I call this approach ‘sustainable’ parenting because it works well, it works over time, it nurtures you and your child, and it has potential to evolve through all the stages and phases of parenting. When you see your parenting as it is, tell the truth, then see it as better than it is, you can raise the standard, and grow yourself as well as make yourself a better parent for your child.
Jun
30
2009
Developmentally, your toddler is beginning to emerge as an independent little person, also very much in need of reliable connection to you. Finding ways to balance those two factors while remaining responsive and supportive of the developmental changes are the challenges of this period in parenting. Parents who continue to control and orchestrate every event for the toddler are removing an important learning opportunity.
Of course, we adults realize that we are making pretty much all the significant decisions in the toddler’s life. However, the many small, daily choices that are present are wonderful windows of learning, if you are aware of them and take advantage of them. The ability to discern preferences, beginning with tiny distinctions, like the degree of darkness in the child’s room for sleeping, can set the tone for including the child in decision-making. This grows into more and more participation and input as the child becomes older. Asking for feedback, listening to it, and incorporating it into the daily rhythms are important patterns for the toddler to experience.
Self-directed behavior requires checking in with self first. Toddlerhood is an optimum age at which to model and teach this skill. It has lifelong value, and can be built open at every stage of development. Self-directed behavior precedes other more sophisticated self-modulating techniques that are key to socialization. These skills are valuable for life.
Support for identifying where you are most skilled, as well as areas where you may need help is available to you in individual sessions or convenient packages now available at www.babyparentingcoach.com.
Don’t hesitate to explore the potential of your best possible parenting!
Jun
12
2009
My young 2-year old friend, Avery, is consumed for long periods of time (more than 30 minutes) with arranging her tiny animal figures, then ‘feeding’ them, then putting them in some prone position (often covered by ‘blankets’) and putting them to sleep, waking them up, asking them if they’re hungry…I watch with delight and amazement every time. She is, at age 2, exhibiting fairly sophisticated nurturing and care taking skills. I lament to myself that I know parents who are not as ‘equipped’ to nurture their children as this very young child already is.
Where does this sensibility, ‘instinct’, or predisposition to be so caring, so interested in the well-being of another emanate from? How does one very young child already have a level of skill and inclusiveness, so that even when we go about another activity, she still checks back to see how her ‘animal’ friends are doing?
She has already learned ‘responsive parenting’, and is very good at it. It has, obviously, been modeled for her since the very beginning of her two years, and it is natural, fun, instinctive, and very beautiful to watch. Observing her ‘notice’ and accommodate the subtle nuances of a pretend friend wanting a little more water, or to go for a ride, truly gives me hope for our future.
Responsive parenting means viewing your role as parent as a constantly evolving, highly attuned endeavor. Knowing your baby’s smallest likes and dislikes, taking a moment to plan an experience so that it is comfortable and secure, and of course, the biggest challenge, learning to put your own ‘instant gratification’ on hold – these are all steps toward responsive (as well as responsible) parenting.
May
30
2009
These are basic steps for making sure your baby’s brain has the opportunity to develop in an optimal way. We know today that the influences begin before birth, and that even subtle things that may not seem important to you affect your baby’s brain. The neural pathways are formed for lifelong stress response at this time, so please take the time to understand the responsibility you have.
- Good nutrition in pregnancy is key. Eat the very best diet you can, and of course, refrain from any toxic substances (tobacco, alcohol, etc.)
- Insure your baby’s safety and well-being. A dangerous environment or a lack of response to baby’s stress create a series of effects that can actually slow brain development. Responding lovingly and consistently to your baby’s cries and giving her attention to insure that she does not experience this type of stress.
- Talk to your baby throughout the day, describing what you’re seeing, what you’re doing. The interaction actually builds brain connections, readies her for language skills, and creates a healthy emotional bond.
- Start reading aloud to your baby as early as possible. In addition to helping brian development of language connections, you spend time together and instill a lifelong love of books.
- Choose high quality childcare. There is a huge range of quality within childcare options, and selecting an environment that is sensitive, loving, and appropriately stimulating will greatly enhance your baby’s brain development.
- Get the information and resources you need. Learn about your baby’s development, ask questions at check-up time, and find the resources you need. The 0-3 year old time is a unique opportunity to shape your child’s entire life by carefully choosing what environment you provide.
May
19
2009
Beliefs and even suggestions that you entertain constantly impact your baby. It’s an ominous responsibility to understand, and it also explains how babies assimilate their view of the world. Is the world hostile or loving? Is the stranger a potential friend or potential threat? Does the new day bring frustration or joy? These any many more subtle variations are programming the subconscious of your baby and young child.
I cannot stress enough the importance of the mother’s and father’s emotional life, and how they impact the baby’s health and well-being. This by no means implies that parents should ‘put on a happy face’ for their babies. The artificiality does not fool your baby for a moment. The motivation to do something about your own frustrations and challenges, and the compassion and wisdom to integrate your own growth into your parenting is the valuable approach.
Your fears, worries, and anxieties are communicated to your baby without so much as a word being spoken. It’s the ultimate inspiration to take action to calm yourself, explore your support options, and consistently apply the principles of growing yourself. In this way, what you project onto your baby will move in the direction of more and more healthy parenting.
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