Jun
12
2009
My young 2-year old friend, Avery, is consumed for long periods of time (more than 30 minutes) with arranging her tiny animal figures, then ‘feeding’ them, then putting them in some prone position (often covered by ‘blankets’) and putting them to sleep, waking them up, asking them if they’re hungry…I watch with delight and amazement every time. She is, at age 2, exhibiting fairly sophisticated nurturing and care taking skills. I lament to myself that I know parents who are not as ‘equipped’ to nurture their children as this very young child already is.
Where does this sensibility, ‘instinct’, or predisposition to be so caring, so interested in the well-being of another emanate from? How does one very young child already have a level of skill and inclusiveness, so that even when we go about another activity, she still checks back to see how her ‘animal’ friends are doing?
She has already learned ‘responsive parenting’, and is very good at it. It has, obviously, been modeled for her since the very beginning of her two years, and it is natural, fun, instinctive, and very beautiful to watch. Observing her ‘notice’ and accommodate the subtle nuances of a pretend friend wanting a little more water, or to go for a ride, truly gives me hope for our future.
Responsive parenting means viewing your role as parent as a constantly evolving, highly attuned endeavor. Knowing your baby’s smallest likes and dislikes, taking a moment to plan an experience so that it is comfortable and secure, and of course, the biggest challenge, learning to put your own ‘instant gratification’ on hold – these are all steps toward responsive (as well as responsible) parenting.
May
30
2009
These are basic steps for making sure your baby’s brain has the opportunity to develop in an optimal way. We know today that the influences begin before birth, and that even subtle things that may not seem important to you affect your baby’s brain. The neural pathways are formed for lifelong stress response at this time, so please take the time to understand the responsibility you have.
- Good nutrition in pregnancy is key. Eat the very best diet you can, and of course, refrain from any toxic substances (tobacco, alcohol, etc.)
- Insure your baby’s safety and well-being. A dangerous environment or a lack of response to baby’s stress create a series of effects that can actually slow brain development. Responding lovingly and consistently to your baby’s cries and giving her attention to insure that she does not experience this type of stress.
- Talk to your baby throughout the day, describing what you’re seeing, what you’re doing. The interaction actually builds brain connections, readies her for language skills, and creates a healthy emotional bond.
- Start reading aloud to your baby as early as possible. In addition to helping brian development of language connections, you spend time together and instill a lifelong love of books.
- Choose high quality childcare. There is a huge range of quality within childcare options, and selecting an environment that is sensitive, loving, and appropriately stimulating will greatly enhance your baby’s brain development.
- Get the information and resources you need. Learn about your baby’s development, ask questions at check-up time, and find the resources you need. The 0-3 year old time is a unique opportunity to shape your child’s entire life by carefully choosing what environment you provide.
May
3
2009
Nothing currently known about babies’ and toddlers’ development substantiates the currently widespread misconception of “terrible twos”. I know that flies in the face of most all parenting “education” in this country. You may want to stop reading right here if you are committed to subscribing to this mis-guided theory. That something suddenly “happens” at this age that precipitates tantrums and unacceptable behavior is just plain false.
Unless you’re ready to look at yourself and your parenting objectively, you probably won’t like what you’re about to read. It is, in fact, your responses to and conditioning of your baby and toddler that lead her to exhibit certain behaviors at age 2. Developmentally for the child, there is individuation and the move toward some independence at this age. Of course, the need for connection and reassurance are also present, as strong as ever. Parents who expect a 2 year old to behave the same as she was behaving at 18 months, or the same as some other child (including sibs), are in for a rude awakening. However, labelling it “terrible twos” and buying into all the generalized misinformation that comes with those terms are sad substitutes for good parenting.
Creating an effective and evolving way to parent the 2 year old would be infinitely more beneficial to the child and parent. This need does not start at age 2, but it can be significantly improved upon at this age. Instead of attaching a worn-out and disempowering label, parents could look for new ways to connect with the emerging independence in their toddler. Creating simple, highly reassuring ways for the sometimes fiercely independent toddler to return to nurturing and supported babyhood would allow the 2 year old to go back and forth between dependence and independence. This, in fact, is what needs to happen in order for individuation to occur.
It’s amazing how many different ways this simple method can be employed in parenting. If you focus your energy on giving your child exactly what she needs in the present moment (by which I mean attention, not physical objects), you often expedite developmental stages. If you do not attach a dysfuntional label to the reaction you get from your child when you are not offering appropriate attention and care, you may end up getting a lot less challenging behaviors. It was infinitely more pleasant for all involved parenting my 3 now adult kids, who grew up as individuals with different temperaments, styles, and needs.
Apr
11
2009
What’s possible for you as a parent? Have you thought about the options?
Will you access your authentic ‘voice’ as you evolve and explore?
Do you feel as if you could do better?
Do you feel overwhelmed with all the choices, or with differences with your partner?
How would it feel to experience yourself as a great parent? What’s possible?
I’m offering sample coaching sessions to help you tap into the compelling, irresistible vision you have (even if it’s buried!) of yourself as a great parent. Together we will discover some of the qualities that are important to you. I’ll help you compile a “mini toolbox” of strategies for accessing these qualities when you feel challenged, overwhelmed, and not in touch with yourself as a great parent.
Free, VERY limited time offer of intro 45 minute sessions now scheduling. Call 303.776.8100 or email babyparentingcoach@gmail.com today.
See yourself as a great parent, learn to develop the skills that will take you there.
Mar
22
2009
Where did it come from?
How does it evolve?
Why does it matter?
Today the gamut of choices in how to parent your baby range from ‘attachment’ parenting to turning over your infant to full time childcare at age 6 weeks. Every imaginable variation in between is evident, with stay-at-home dads, nanny-sharing, parents who work from home, grandparents who raise babies, and many other adaptations.
Finding your ‘parenting style’ can be daunting. Because being a parent is a uniquely multi-layered undertaking, your choices for parenting will affect you, your child, your family, and the rest of us in ways that are difficult to fully comprehend at the start. Some time in the distant future, if you have the opportunity and inclination, you may look back and reflect on the underlying patterns and behaviors you helped create. Most of us are so involved in dealing with the immediate aspects of becoming a parent (“Am I really completely responsible for this tiny, dependent being? I’m scared, overwhelmed, clueless. Why don’t I instinctively know what to do? Who left ME in charge?”) we seldom fully explore our fears and insecurities that get triggered.
In an ideal world, when contemplating becoming parents, you would set aside plenty of time to spend with friends and family who are parents, experience and explore the different approaches, try on what feels authentic to you, and mindfully, and in complete agreement with your partner, choose what would work best for you. Then when your baby entered the world, you would smoothly and seamlessly implement that plan. Needless to say, that is far from what happens for most of us.
Reality looks more like taking wishes and dreams you have about how you’d like to parent, compressing them into your real lifestyle (you and your partner may or may not agree on key parenting issues, you may have taken a parenting class and resonated with the approach or not, your reading may have offered some interesting options). Some combination of resources and choices land you in the orientation where you start your parenting experience. Throw in the unpredictability of the individual baby’s temperament (which may be entirely different than siblings!), and you are in a fairly ‘wing it’ mode.
You can see how being flexible can greatly increase your odds for success. How comfortable are you with trying something that was not in your original plan? Where do you go for resources to find a different approach, if your current one is not working so well? How do you keep track of what you may want to implement when you are overwhelmed, tired, and stressed?
It’s easy to see that an effective ‘parenting style’ requires both a high degree of flexibility and a keen self-awareness. It’s a work in progress, and if your parenting style is not continuously evolving, it probably is not working very well. There are no concrete plans or programs for effectively raising a child. Many valuable resources exist for reference, but your challenge is to manifest your own unique ‘parenting style’ that is authentic and effective for you, your baby, and your family.
The more clarity you have about your own values and beliefs, your partner’s values and beliefs, how they mesh and how they don’t, and what your various support mechanisms are, the better you start. With that, ongoing support and flexibility are key.
Ongoing individualized support is available by email and phone. Contact me to hear about the ‘spring start’ special for March.
Feb
16
2009
Self-expression in one who is not yet verbal has to assume some other mode. Learning your baby’s cues and responding to them effectively can make parenting a much more pleasant experience. For a young baby, responding promptly usually means the physical need of being held (assuming hunger and clothing have already been addressed). If your baby is successful in connecting with you and getting you to act on her behalf, she will have overcome her helplessness.
When we are not able to identify the particular need of our baby in a given moment, we can still validate her choice of how she feels at that moment, and connect with love, affection, and understanding. This is a large part of what being a parent to an infant is about – making yourself available to another who is physically very limited in her ability to take care of her own needs.
There is an enormous amount of misinformation available to parents about ‘teaching’ babies to comfort themselves. As they get older, children gradually use more words instead of cues or crying. As a parent, it’s pure wisdom to understand and encourage this. Your child deserves to be taught that it is okay to express physical and emotional pain. An emotional pattern for her lifetime is created by how you respond to her while she’s a baby.
Feb
4
2009
In utero, and long before birth, you help determine the strength and resilience of your baby’s immune system. The many subtle (and not so subtle) factors that affect a fetus are part of the response to allergens, virus, bacteria, and a host of other challenges to your baby’s immune system.
While it seems sometimes overwhelming to try to be aware of everything you consume or are exposed to during pregnancy, the reality is that your unborn baby is experiencing it all, too. Obviously, your choices of what you eat, how you handle stress, and what you do for recreation all affect your own wellness and biochemistry. By the time you baby is born, the basic pattern she experiences is already in many ways a reflection of your choices.
This can be an exciting and inspiring piece of information. I know several couples who played beautiful music for their unborn child, and then got to witness the recognition and joy in their baby when she heard the same music again after birth. While we are quick to notice that a baby has a relative’s physical features, it’s not as common to trace the baby’s characteristics to more subtle influences.
Your own ability to express feelings in a healthy way is the best contribution you can make to your baby’s immune system (assuming you are already eating healthy and getting exercise and rest). Take the time to inventory where you could improve, and get the support to take the next step.
Of course, all of the above is also true for your infant as she grows. Being exposed to toxins and feeling abandoned or ignored all contribute to biochemical changes that are not optimum for health. Modulating and shielding your baby from these types of disturbances can go along way to minimizing effects.
Jan
22
2009
From birth to age 3, profound changes and growth are occurring in your baby’s brain. Developmentally, every 3 years is a marked cycle of changes and types of growth. I believe if we all knew what the 0-3 growth was really about, we would be more selective in the environments we create for our babies.
It’s a pretty good analogy to say that your baby is like a ‘sponge’ at these ages, and developmentally, taking in everything in her surroundings is part of the plan. “Pruning” of brain synapses happens, with or without our input. For optimum brain development, reducing or eliminating negative stress for your baby is a huge gift you can give. This means minimizing sensory overload, modulating loud or new experiences, and develping an awareness of what your baby does and doesn’t like to be around.
It’s documented with ‘hard’ science now that if a baby’s brain is unduly overloaded with stress, there is a cascade of events that result in your baby actually ‘shutting down’ and learning that the world is a hostile, unfriendly environment. The cumulative effect of these kinds of experiences result in a young child out of touch with her own internal feedback. It sets up young children to be dependent entirely on outside sources for making decisions about what they need and want (easy to see how this can be a precursor to a lifetime of eating disorders, substance abuse, behavioral difficulties, etc.)
Please educate yourself as a parent about the extremely dynamic growth happening in your baby’s brain. Your choices in how you interact and the environments that you create for her will shape her lifelong experience.
Jan
9
2009
A week from today I’ll be at Pharmaca Integrative Pharmacy in South Boulder with parents of babies and toddlers. Our general topic is how to grow as a person while you’re parenting. Everyone is invited, Friday at 3 pm or Saturday at 12:30. Please tell your friends who live in the Boulder area.
My CD, “OMG! I’m A Parent!!” will be available for only $15 (no shipping and handling, which is included in the website price).
Understanding ourselves and the patterns and behaviors we bring to parenting is more than valuable – it’s an insight into what you will be experiencing in the entire parenting process. The reflection of our most desired, as well as least favorite traits, will invariably be reflected back to us by our children. The sooner that is taken into account, the more choices you have in how to modulate your own behaviors.
Taking time to reflect on where we are on the continuum of self-awareness is time well spent, even in the very early hectic and harried parenting years. As more and more research emerges on baby brain development, it continues to consistenly show that babies brains absorb all that is going on around them. As adults, we have sophisticated strategies in place to be more or less aware of certain things, depending on our orientation. Babies do not have these filters yet, so they are getting everything, conscious and unconscious, to which they are exposed. Keeping that in mind can help motivate parents to examine, edit, and revise their own patterns.
Join us for information and fun-filled time at South Boulder Pharmaca next week!
All your questions and comments are always wecome.
Dec
1
2008
Having the right tools, right away, is an asset in any task we undertake. In the lifelong role as parent, starting out with the right tools is great. And for all the rest of us, assimilating the best possible tools as we go in the process of parenting is a great way to do it, also.
You don’t have to attend workshops or travel to weekly sessions in order to assemble your own best set of tools. The key component is learning to trust your innate abilities. Common sense often trumps expert opinion in this vocation. The more you develop your own common sense, and learn to trust your own voice, the more your confidence grows.
As parents today, our vulnerability is ripe for exploiting. Never have there been more choices, and more pressure to enroll in services, purchase products, and participate in information and consumption overload. Parenting has in some cases become a business, preying on parents’ fears.
I offer objectivity and support for developing your own cycle of self-reliance. In a collaborative way, we address immediate concerns and then look at overall values and goals that you want to implement. Getting rid of extraneous stuff that is draining your energy is vital at this important stage of your life. Your confidence is your best ally. Clarity and continuity are part of the support system I provide.
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